Hi, everydoggie!

In the fallout of the Niagara SPCA debacle (which saw Executive Director and bean-counter John Faso fired due to the organization’s poor euthanasia and care standards) an interim Exec has been named. And this time, he’s a real veterinarian, or at least he says so…

Say “Hi” to Doctor Nick Riveria! Dr. Nick has degress from such prestigious places as Hollywood Upstairs Medical College, Mayo Clinic Correspondence School, and Alpo Pet Care Plus. Be it people who need cheap plastic surgery, cheap heart surgery, or if little Fido needs a new spleen (on the cheap), Dr. Nick says “You’ve seen one body, you seen them all! What could be so different?”

The seven members of the SPCA of Niagara’s board of directors
overwhelmingly approved Dr. Nick’s appointment, saying they’ve learned valuable lessons from their previous hirings, and hope this this move will “placate the public until this whole thing blows over”…

Yes, there will be breast puns...

The Susan G. Komen for the Cure Foundation announced late today that they will immediately suspend all funding related to breast cancer research, treatment and awareness, and will instead focus on what they do best, raising money.

Spokeswoman Mandy Van Landingham made the announcement at a hastily put together press conference:

“Our organization has become one of the greatest PR and Marketing organizations in the entire world, so if you’re good at something, never do it for free. We will offer our services to any individual or organization that wants to take advantage of the “jugg”ernaut that we have fully developed into. One of our greatest accomplishments has been trademarking the color pink, so that we get a cut of any product that uses the color in any fashion. In addition, we have strong-armed and motor-boated several big companies into giving us a cut of their sales by slapping the color pink and or a ribbon on products such as yogurt, sandwich cream cookies and sneakers. We have even been able to reach all the way to the testosterone-filled halls of the National Football League, emasculating thuggish brutes by slapping on colors that look like a bottle of Peptol Bismol threw up on them.
Our presence is everywhere, and you can not escape the tendrils of our pink ribbons. As such, we are keeping the money from this point on, and will offer our expertise in advertising, promotions and marketing to the highest bidders. Keep abreast of the latest at our website.”

Cancer screening, schmancer-screening!

I didn’t fit in as many poor taste breast references, so: boobs, ta-tas, boobies, juggs, sweater puppies, melons, knockers and funbags.

Note: Here’s a real link to a story about an effort in Erie County that will provide breast cancer screening and raise awareness: a partnership between the Buffalo Sabres, First Niagara, the Erie County Medical Center and WNY Breast Health. My Mom had breast cancer, and early detection is the key, and she’s still going strong to this day.

Buffalo's Own Scajaquada Sam

Happy Groundhog Day, everybody! Last year, Tommunisms told you the story about Buffalo’ own “Scajaquada Sam”. Few people know that Scajaquada Sam (who is currently barred from entering his latest burrow in North Tonawanda’s Valenti’s Restaurant) was the victim of intellectual theft.  He originally came up with the concept of predicting the length and severity of winter right here in WNY, only to have it stolen by Punxsutawney Phil. I’d link to the WNYMedia article, but their archive blew up. So I linked to the content scrapers Buffalo123 here.

Since Sam had been evicted, he has been currently staying in one of the crappy Buffalo hotels that Tom Brady hates and was reportedly drinking all the liquor bottles in the mini fridge. So, at approximately 2:00 am this morning, Sam staggered outside to look for his shadow. But because it was night time, he didn’t see his shadow. So what does that mean? Why, it obviously means that Occupy Buffalo doesn’t get six more weeks to do whatever it is that they do. Buffalo Mayor Byron Brown, who religiously follows the tweets of Scajaquada Sam, saw his drunken update, and ordered police to bulldoze the “tent city” erected in Niagara Square.

Says Sam:

“I’m sick of this crappy one horse (porno) town. Dreary skies, bad weather, a hotel that’s not what you’re used to, and hippies doing jam sessions in tent encampments. It just doesn’t give a great impression, so I’m moving to Florida. I’ll do my shadow watching for Buffalo remotely. Worked for Larry Norton, afterall…

At that point, Sam passed out…

If there's something weird, and it don't look good, who ya gonna call?

Time for a little dose of “WTF?!” this Friday. Double babies, double vaginas, and eating babies round out this edition of “What the Friday?!”…

HEART WARMING STORY ABOUT RARE BIRTH

A WNY area woman gave birth to two babies recently. Are they twins? Not really, as the mom has a rare condition (double didelphys) of having a double uterus. Although the children were born prematurely in October, only now are the parents discussing the event, as The Buffalo News reports. The children were treated for complications that often arise from premature birth, and only recently did the kids come home. So it seems the little tykes are out of the woods now, and best wishes to the family.

However, the following passage from the News’ article leads right into the next story:

Double didelphys also is known to be more common in infertile women.

Still, the abnormality is so rare that the exact prevalence is difficult to know for sure, partly because many women don’t know about it until they get pregnant, and there are variations, said Singh.

For instance, some women with a double uterus have two cervices and two vaginas, but some only have one vagina.

The article doesn’t say if the mom had two vaginas, but Hazel Jones does…

TWIN VAGINA WOMAN PASSES DOWN $ 1 MILLION PORNO OFFER

Dos Chocho: The Most Interesting Woman in the World...

Hazel Jones also has the rare condition ‘uterus didelphys’, and in this case, she does have two vaginas, and porno company Vivid Entertainment made a million dollar offer to her that she rejected outright. “I just want to be left alone” says Jones, except for the publicity of appearing on British TV where she told her story about her condition. She also said it’s quite an ice breaker at parties to bring up and:

“If women want to have a look, I’m quite happy to show them, it’s not something I’m embarrassed by.”

But other than that, I guess she still wants to be left alone…

It seems the British press has always been obsessed with multiples of body parts:

A MODEST (AND STOOPID) PROPOSAL

And now on to eating babies…

Shortey the Mental Midget

A not so (Jonathan) swift Oklahoma state senator introduced a bill this Tuesday that would put a stop to the practice of using tissue form aborted fetuses in our food. Of course, this does not nor has it ever occurred, but Senator Ralph Shortey claims his independent Internet research alarmed him enough to want to raise public awareness of the potential problem. From chron.com:

Shortey said he discovered suggestions online that some companies use embryonic stem cells to develop artificial flavors, but added that he is unaware of any Oklahoma companies doing such research.

The freshman senator’s bill would make it illegal to manufacture or sell any food in which aborted fetuses were used in the ingredients. Apparently, his research included watching “Soylent Green”…

Who would want to eat a baby?!

Oh…