Today, Byron Brown announced that for everybody who votes for him in the Democratic primary AND general election for Mayor of the City of Buffalo will be eligible to receive an early release of the upcoming Xbox One video game and entertainment system, scheduled for regular release November 22nd.
“The Xbox One is the ultimate all-in-one entertainment system built for the 21st century living room — introducing a new world of games, music, live TV, movies, sports, apps and Skype, all personalized to your interests and accessible with the sound of your voice.
Every Xbox One system sold will include the new Xbox One console — which features a 500GB hard drive, Blu-ray player and built-in Wi-Fi — the new Kinect, one Xbox One Wireless Controller and a free 14-day trial of Xbox Live Gold for new members.
I am very happy to say this package, retailing at $499.99, will be available for early release to all registered voters who put me in office. Details are being sorted out, but at this time, interested parties will cast their votes for me with the aid of a designated “Brown Box One Team Member” who will observe their voting selection right at the polling place! Within 48 hours of my victory, the XBox One will be delivered to your door!
And if you want to play versus me online in “Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag” my gamer-tag is “Darth_Urkel69“…”
The accompanying press release states that for the latest information on this “Game-A-Bration Giveaway” interested parties may contact “deputy” Mayor Steve Casey or Kristie Mazurek.
We are awaiting confirmation from the Mayor’s Office that a new Playstation 4 may be substituted…
“Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits!”
Yesterday, failed gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino took the oath for the job he has always dreamed about: the Buffalo School Board. At the official swearing-in ceremony, Carl may have been mis-informed as to what he was supposed to say, because he actually began swearing.
“I, Carl Paladino, do solemnly swear: Shit! Piss! Fuck! Cunt! Cocksucker! Motherfucker! And tits!”
While some pundits believed this may have been a previously unknown case of Tourette’s Syndrome, a press-release released by the Paladino camp afterwards cleared things up:
“Shit! Piss! Fuck! Cunt! Cocksucker! Motherfucker! And tits!”
The National Safety Council has issued a warning to all parents regarding a disturbing and potentially unsafe “Internet meme fad” known as “The Riker Maneuver”, or “Rikering”…
As increased anticipation grows for the upcoming film “Star Trek Into Darkness” (starring Chris Pine as Zapp Brannigan, Zachary Quiznos as Dr. Spork and Bumbershoot Cumberbund as a re-imagined version of Trek buffoon Harcourt Fenton Mudd) demand for the “old, boring Trek stuff” has increased. Someone on teh intrawebs has discovered that Star Trek: The New Generations’ character Commander William T. Riker can’t sit down in a chair normally due to a transporter accident that affected the muscles in his ass. As a result, he intentionally sits down by swinging his gangly leg over the back of a chair. Any chair….
As a result, much like previous internet fads such as “planking”, “Tebowing” and “Batmanning”, kids who read the tumblers and visit reddit.com websites have been attempting to emulate and record so they can impress people on the Internet. However, hospitals have already reported injuries, some serious, by those fools attempting to do what a trained “Star-Trek Command” officer can do only after spending many years at “The Star-Trek Academy”…
The N.S.C. issued this statement:
“Parents, we ask that you monitor you children closely for signs of “Rikering”. Any attempt to straddle chairs in your home can potentially be practice for a “Rikering” attempt. Schools, teachers and other faculty must remain vigilant that kids are not engaged in this unsafe practice. What they fail to realize is that most of Riker’s chairs have a low seat back, allowing his tall frame the easy ability to swing his leg over the top and land his buttocks safely on the seat cushion. Fractured tailbones, pulled muscles and ruptured testicles have been reported at an alarming rate around the United States. We are sending out a “Red Alert” to all.”
The National Safety Council has launched a $32 million dollar anti-Rikering campaign called “Don’t Make It So”…
As you can see, even highly trained officers from the startrek Enterprise can fall victim to not sitting in a chair like a goddamn normal person:
Think big when it comes to downtown Buffalo and it’s harbors! Tear down that Skyway! Build a Super-Stadium/Convention Center! Hell, bring in a casino! Paint some lawn chairs and build a snack-shack! Think outside of the box!
But even if the Skyway stays, some have better suggestions to help ferry visitors from the city to it’s inner and outer harbors. Let’s build “Urban Cable Cars!” Well, I say “phooey!”
But if you really want to “dream a dream” then I humbly suggest Falkor the Luck Dragon.
I mean, Falkor and Buffalo would be a perfect fit. Consider:
Falkor is a luck dragon, a marvelous, feather/fur creature that saves Atreyu in the Fantasia land known as The Swamps of Sadness. (Outer Harbor, anyone?) Best known for his positive outlook, Falkor helps Atreyu with not only extra-fast flight (way better than pedestrian bridges, cable cars, airships, dirigibles, blimps and zip lines), but with encouragement and hope. Falkor was one of the few survivors of The Nothing (Buffalo population decline, empty homes and empty large scale office towers) that almost consumed Fantasia, and was the subject of Bastian’s very first wish to bring Fantasia back.
And with such lofty, unfeasible and financially unsound ideas that are being proposed, we’ll need all the luck dragons we can get…
At a hastily put together press conference yesterday afternoon, the Route 5 Skyway demanded that the surrounding city of Buffalo be torn down as it is a hindrance to it’s continued success as a limited-access bridge.
The 110-foot tall structure said:
“Today I call upon the Western New York Regional Economic Development Council and the Governor of New York State to make the demolishment of the city that surrounds me a top priority, as its continued presence only serves to stifle economic growth and hinders my job of ferrying over 40,000 cars and trucks across me every single day.
Everyday I have see numerous eyesores such as the HSBC Tower and think, how long do I have to look at this crap?”
The Skyway believes that the removal of Buffalo will open up new development opportunities, leading to further economic progress and job creation.
The Skyway also called on NYS leadership to condemn Congressman Brian Higgins’ hair as structurally unsound, and a blight to the community…
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